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Tonight I interviewed a guy for my book. He’s a former NFL player who now works as a maintenance man at McDonald’s. I asked him if he regularly consumes the restaurant’s food.

“I eat free, so I eat it all the time,” he said. Then, after a brief pause, he added with 100-percent seriousness, “I think that’s why I have a boil the size of a cucumber growing on my stomach.”

Ew.

Jeff Pearlman is a writer.