Jeff Pearlman

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Inside the car dealership

Sat for about four hours inside a Toyota dealership earlier today. My Prius is fucked up, so I thought I’d wait. Tables. Wifi. Free coffee and bagels.

Never again.

Car dealerships suck, and I never again want to spend more than 15 minutes inside of one. The walls are gray. The music is dull. The customers know they’re being suckered, and the people who work there know it’s their job to sucker the customers. Everything smells like either linoleum or tire, and there’s always a great deal that isn’t a great deal.

The employees look miserable. Absolutely miserable. It’s staring at a clock, waiting for the hour when you can head out to the nearby Wendy’s before returning to stare again at the clock. Your friends aren’t your friends, because it’s shark eat shark.

A car dealership is a headache in physical form.

A car dealership is the remains of a sneezing fit.

A car dealership is a plea for death.


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PS: This is Jeff Novak. He appears in the above video. He’s based in Cleveland. Yet I’ve now met about 700 Jeff Novaks in my lifetime of car dealership appearances. They’re nice people trying to convince you they’re excited about the car they’re trying to sell you, even though they’re almost certainly not excited about the car they’re trying to sell you. Because, with rare exception, 99 percent of humanity’s cars are dull as shit. I drive a Prius. It’s dull as shit. Growing up we had a Datsun 510. Equally dull as shit. When I was 13, my did bought a Chrysler E Car. It talked. That was fairly thrilling. Then, after a few years, it ceased talking. Dull as shit.

  • Andy Losik

    Best thing about “Comedians in Cars Getting Coffee” is that Seinfeld reminds us of a time when cars didn’t have to be “D-A-S”. He just took Eddie Murphy out in a Porsche Carrera GT. Insanely great. It’s basically a Slinging Yang rip off with a big budget.

    • Ray Anselmo

      The best CiCGC was Patton Oswalt – for which Seinfeld (respecting Patton’s nerd cred) hauled out a DeLorean DMC-12. Which broke down. And so they brought out a backup DeLorean.

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Once again, Jeff Pearlman has produced an exhaustively researched, elegantly written book that re-creates one of the most colorful and memorable teams of the modern era. No basketball fan's bookshelf will be complete without it.

— Seth Davis, author of Wooden: A Coach's Life