Jeff Pearlman

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Mark Wohlers: Friend

I am Twitter friends with Mark Wohlers.

I’m uncertain whether the phrase “Twitter friends” actually exists. I’m pretty sure it doesn’t. Regardless, we’re Twitter friends. I follow him. He follows me. The above image is from his Twitter feed. Good times.

I’m guessing Mark Wohlers doesn’t know who I am, even though I covered the Majors during much of his career. However, I know who he is. I know because, as the gun debate heats up in this country, men like Wohlers (they’re most always men) suddenly feel the need to make themselves heard. They are not just store keepers and farmers and lawyers and electricians and retired ballplayers. No, they are gun owners. They loathe Obama, value personal liberty and damn well won’t just sit back and watch as we liberal folks take away their Second Amendment rights.

Hell no.

The thing is, men like Mark Wohlers often see themselves as the victims. They’re the ones being marginalized; they’re the ones being suppressed by the government; they’re the one clinging to the last morsels of patriotism. Why, just yesterday John Rocker—Wohlers’ friend and, quite possibly, the biggest dickhead in the history of the earth—penned a column for World News Daily titled, “The State Religion: White Guilt.” Even for Rocker, the story was a new low; slicing pieces here and there from the David Duke Guide to Race Inciting. Only, to the author, this isn’t the case. He’s the white guy; the one being told what to do and how to act. He’s the victim. Wah!

The delicious irony: Fools like Rocker don’t get it. Here was a man who admittedly cheated (by using PED) to get ahead; who added three or four mph to his fastball by popping pills and shooting up. Without the help, he’s a Triple A pitcher, as forgettable as a spring rain sprinkle.

And yet, he’s angry about others gaining unfair advantages; about welfare moms and food stamp recipients. They’re the ones ruining this great nation of ours.

We need more guns.

  • Josh

    Do you think Mark Wohlers steadies the pistol in his hand, tightens his aim to 90 feet away, and then ends up shooting about 10 yards over the target?

  • Jeff

    It’s natural for survivors of violent crimes to find comfort in arming themselves. So go easy on Wohlers: Jim Leyritz murdered his career.

  • Pingback: Athletes: Stick to your guns while you still can

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Once again, Jeff Pearlman has produced an exhaustively researched, elegantly written book that re-creates one of the most colorful and memorable teams of the modern era. No basketball fan's bookshelf will be complete without it.

— Seth Davis, author of Wooden: A Coach's Life