Jeff Pearlman

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See that woman? She doesn’t want you to grope her

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See that woman over there? She’s, oh, 22. Maybe 23. Says ‘Hi’ to you every morning at the copy machine. She wears a relatively short skirt, her perfume smells of roses in the sun, she radiates (to you) a certain beauty-mixed-with-sexuality.

Yeah, she doesn’t want you to grope her.

I know … I know: You think she desperately wants to behold you masturbating. Trust me—watching goop emerge from your squirmy little penis doesn’t interest her. And let me be clear on this: Even if your penis is super big, it doesn’t interest her. She does not want to catch you jerking off, because jerking off is gross. And it’s particularly gross when a strange man is jerking off to you in a work closet next to two mops and a stack of binders.

Oh, and the new secretary. Maggie—the one you’re pretty sure is flirting with you. Yeah, she’s almost certainly not flirting with you. Hell, she has a boyfriend. His name is Jim. They’ve been together 2 1/2 years. Met in college.

That time she gently touched your shoulder? Remember that? So, to be clear, she was simply touching your shoulder. She most certainly does not want to hear about your giant boner; the one you nicknamed, “The Big Italian Snake.” She also doesn’t want you to tell her how sexy she looks in green. Seriously. I promise you. She doesn’t even like green.

I’m not sure how this still happens, but men remain under the impression that women want us to hit on them and grope them and bring out magical sex power into their lives.

Truth is, we’re sorta gross. We’re hairy, we smell, we sweat profusely. If you’re lucky, a woman falls in love with your personality and adjusts to the rest of the package.

But they sure as hell don’t want this.

Trust me. They don’t.

  • Paul C

    I accept the principle and the sentiments as valid. It’s still not clear to me that every woman, even in our allegedly “woke” society, shares this attitude. I’m not in the business of “mansplaining,” but there are a lot of post-election polls that suggest that more than a few of the white women who voted for Trumpelstiltskin were not only not offended by his history of misogyny, but thought it was a favorable, or at least neutral, factor.

    Exhibit A? This Atlantic article https://www.theatlantic.com/politics/archive/2016/11/hillary-clinton-white-women-vote/507422/

    Money quote:

    “To understand that kind of calculation, consider how one white woman voting for Trump explained her support to New York magazine ahead of the election:

    There isn’t any perfect person on the planet. I heard that he said something about groping women, and I’m thinking, Okay, No. 1, I think that’d be great. I like getting groped! I’m heterosexual. I’m a woman, and when a guy gropes me, I get groping on them! I grope them back. Groping is a healthy thing to do. When you’re heterosexual, you grope, okay? It’s a good thing. Try it.”

    This seems crazy on its face, but I suspect she’s not alone.

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Once again, Jeff Pearlman has produced an exhaustively researched, elegantly written book that re-creates one of the most colorful and memorable teams of the modern era. No basketball fan's bookshelf will be complete without it.

— Seth Davis, author of Wooden: A Coach's Life