Jeff Pearlman

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You! (Yes, you)—get a life.

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They come out this time of year.

Men. Men older than 30. Men who should know better.

They tiptoe from their beds in the middle of night, head downstairs to the computer, hope no one hears as they gently click. Were they downloading Asian porn or analyzing stocks or looking for a good divorce lawyer, we’d understand. Were they scanning MTV.com for The Hills we’d understand. Were they downloading Mandy Moore’s latest CD, we’d understand. Were they joining the Lindsay Lohan Fan Club, we’d understand.

Alas, they are here to do the unforgivable.

The ludicrous.

The inane.

They are here to check on their fantasy football team.

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To start with, I think fantasy football is stupid. I know 90 percent of the people reading this blog have fantasy football teams, therefore making this post a sub-good idea. But, truthfully, I don’t care. In fact, I’m here to help. It’s a beautiful day outside. The sun is shining. The grass is green.jesus-football Go take your kids to the zoo! Go with the wife to a movie and dinner! Go play on the beach! Visit the local pool! Or pool hall! But please, dear God, stop checking Fred Taylor’s statistics.

For Christ’s sake, get a grip. You don’t even like Fred Taylor. Or the Patriots. But here you are, ignoring the world to check his stats and feed your growing obsession.

It’s so lame.

But not the lamest.

No, the lamest are those men (and women) who cover the NFL for a living, yet still maintain a fantasy football team.
Yes, you. You know who you are—sitting in the press box, pretending to be analyzing Chad Pennington’s three-step drop but really checking your computer to see whether Lee Evans broke loose against Denver. Damn you, man. Damn you. Not only is this sort of a conflict of interest, but it’s really, really, really pathetic. Does a doctor come home from work and play with his stethoscope? Does a lawyer use his free time to file briefs? Isn’t 50 hours per week of football enough … without delving into fantasy?

Ugh!

  • Jennifer

    Thank you.

  • Gregg

    you see, Jeff, if you played Fantasy Football, you would know quite definitively that Fred Taylor is WELL PAST his prime, now on the down-side of his career in New England, and is not NEARLY the threat he used to be… bad example!! ;)

  • http://www.boiledsports.com J Money

    Yes, damn you fans for finding a way to have fun with teams and players other than those on your favorite team!

    Jeff Pearlman writes about sports for a living and thus does not think anyone should spend free time focusing on sports! Even those of us stuck in cubicles writing the most boring shit imaginable!

    I look forward to Jeff’s next vignette about how bloggers live in their mom’s basements! Come on, Jeff, I know you’ve got it in you!

  • http://www.twonateshow.com Nate

    You know, I cringed reading your post (I have 2 FF leagues I’m in). But, if I were to add up the time in an average NFL season that I check my player’s stats, I could’ve probably taken my wife out on about 100 dates during that time. Oops.

  • Matty

    You could say the same thing about almost any hobby. Calling stuff lame without saying why it’s lame takes lame to a really lame level. Not as lame as using lame four times in a sentence, but still lame.

  • Ted

    I have never understood the attraction of fantasy football. Whenever the subject comes up on sports radio or tv I’m gone. Guess I’m in the minority.

  • blackfrancis

    I’m normally with you, Jeff, but this is just sad. First of all, you have set up a completely false choice: “It’s a beautiful day outside. The sun is shining. The grass is green Go take your kids to the zoo! Go with the wife to a movie and dinner! Go play on the beach! Visit the local pool! Or pool hall! But please, dear God, stop checking Fred Taylor’s statistics.”

    …as if for most of us fantasy football players, it interferes with our personal and/or family time. Most of us, I assume, spend a few minutes of downtime here and there tinkering with our fantasy football teams.

    You like foootball, I am assuming, What’s wrong with football fans finding alternate ways to enjoy the game…*GULP* MORE? I mean, I am a die-hard Saints fan, but fantasy football makes almost every other game somewhat more interesting…it’s like betting without betting. This weekend something like 14 of the 16 game played will have some modicum of interest for me, rooting interest, how is this a bad thing?

  • Andrew

    This Jeff dude seems constipated

    Fantasy gives millions of people joy.

    Find something else to bitch about.

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Once again, Jeff Pearlman has produced an exhaustively researched, elegantly written book that re-creates one of the most colorful and memorable teams of the modern era. No basketball fan's bookshelf will be complete without it.

— Seth Davis, author of Wooden: A Coach's Life